One Year Down, Lots to Go

I can't believe it'll be the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing on the 25th. I truly feel like I've had a harder time coping with his death this year than last year. I think the shock has completely worn off. Reality has finally hit and it sucks.


I am really dreading Monday, needless to say. However, I don't know why I am - it's not like that day is going to hurt worse than any other day. I think about him every day, wish I could talk to him every day, miss him every day. Maybe it's just because I'll be reliving the events of June 25, 2011 in my head. Remembering it hour by hour. I'll be at work, just like I was last year. Remembering getting texts from Christi (my sister) that she was going with Dad to the cardiologist and then that he had to get some lab work done. Then around 4:00 finding out that he had to go to the hospital to get a blood transfusion, and that he'd probably have to stay overnight. I remember being at work and crying because I felt so helpless. Luckily I was able to leave early. Shortly before I left work I got a text from my Dad - the last one I ever got - saying, "Keep the faith." I was able to leave and get there when he and my sister were in the ER. I noticed he didn't have any stuff with him and I remember asking him why and he said something like, "I don't need anything because I'm planning on going home." Yes, he did indeed go home. And I really think he had some inkling of what that night was to hold. I have an entry about him possibly knowing his fate. You can read that here. I got to be with him that night for the last few hours of his life and as bad as it was, I'm so thankful I was there. You can read the back story of what happened that night here.


Maybe I'm dreading Monday because it's already been a year, it's gone so fast. I feel like so much has happened this past year and the kids have grown so much and I'm angry and sad that my Dad isn't here on earth to enjoy it with us - or maybe because it's ONLY been a year. Only one year has passed and I still think about him all the time. It feels like forever since I've talked to him. One year down, lots more to go.

At my Ball State graduation in 2001

Nursing school graduation 2009

Love this one of my Mom & Dad in the 70's - Dad was pimp tight

My Dad loved his grandkids - here with Addison in 2007

Loved boating

I think another reason I'm having a hard time is because secretly I've kind of always felt like things that happened that night were my fault. As a nurse, I know certain procedures can cause the heart a lot of stress. My dad did not want to be intubated, but ended up being intubated and I really think that sent him over the edge. Not just physiologically, but emotionally. Christi and I were not in the room when this all happened immediately upon arrival to the ICU. For some reason, we were told to meet my dad up there from the ER. Looking back, I don't know why the hell I didn't demand that we travel with him. That's how it works at Riley - family travels with the patient. I'm still pissed at myself for that whole situation. I think had I gone with him, he would have never been intubated - even if that meant he would have passed sooner. I know as a nurse you have to be the patient's advocate, but even more importantly, as a family member you are the biggest advocate the patient has. I was my Dad's biggest advocate but I didn't do my job. I just worry about what he was thinking or if he was scared or what. I realize they wouldn't have intubated him without his approval, but I just wonder what happened en route to the ICU and upon his arrival there that made this happen because he was pretty coherent when we left the ER, then once we saw him in the ICU it was like he had done a 180 degree turn for the worse. I have major feelings of guilt over this. I let him down and I let myself down. I know my Dad has forgiven me. I just hope one day I can forgive myself.

Getting ready to walk me down the aisle - 2002

I spoke to my Dad's cardiologist at Dad's funeral and he stated that my Dad would have only lived about 2 more weeks, if that. The cardiologist was the one who ordered the blood tests and who ordered him to go to the hospital to get a blood transfusion. He had done an ECHO on my Dad at the office that day and said that the aortic stenosis had gotten so bad that his ejection fraction was only about 15%. Not good. I realize that my Dad would have passed around this time last year regardless, but I still feel somewhat guilty for letting things go down the way they did. I hate that he had to go through what he did that night. But my mom always reminds me that she is so thankful that my sister and I were there. We were with him in his last hours. He could have been at home alone or it could have happened during his drive home from South Carolina. What then? That would have been just as devastating, if not more so because he would have been alone. No one should die alone. At least we were there to hold his hands, tell him all the things we wanted to say, and pray over him while he took his last breaths. I'm thankful for that.


Another story that I've never told, but one that I will treasure from that night is when Ike came to the hospital. My Dad had mentioned to Christi and I not to have any one come up to the hospital to see him. He was kind of a private person about his health issues, and even when I took him to get a stent in 2010, he made me go home against my will. He just never really wanted visitors in the hospital. He was tough and didn't want people to see him in that weak, vulnerable state I guess. Anyway, I had called Ike throughout the night but kept telling him I thought things were going to be okay, but once we got up to the ICU and I saw the way my Dad looked, I just knew. So I called Ike and told him he needed to come to the hospital to say good-bye. Ike and my Dad were pretty close. He was kind of like the son my Dad never had. Ike had to wait for his mom to get to our house to stay with the kids, as he came up to the hospital after the kids were asleep and of course we didn't want to wake them and bring them to the hospital. So Ike finally got there and I met him in the hall to bring him to the room. At this point, my dad was still intubated, but still somewhat with it. I didn't tell my Dad Ike was coming, but once we got back to my Dad's room, I went in, grabbed my Dad's hand and told him Ike was there. My Dad looked at me and shook his head no and I thought he was pissed that I brought a visitor, even though it was just his son-in-law. But then he immediately let go of my hand and reached out for Ike's. They just looked at each other, both with tears in their eyes and Ike said a few things that I can't remember, but I'm so glad he got to say good-bye too. Just typing this makes me cry. I know Ike can't even talk about it without tearing up. I know that moment means so much to him, as it does to me.

In the Touchdown Club @ a Colts game getting ready to watch me cheer

Ike and my Dad - buddies

And as hard as it's been for me, I think about my Dad in heaven and that's what gives me peace and comfort. I can't even imagine how perfect it must be. How my Dad is in perfect condition and that I'll see him again. So though it's the year anniversary of his death, it's also his first birthday in heaven. Very comforting. I'll try to remember it's his heavenly birthday on Monday when I'm reliving the events of last year. Though it's sad for us here on earth, I'm sure he is happy and watching over us. I need to remember he is happy. Yes, my Dad is happy now. 

Charleson, SC 2011 - about one month before he passed

So as I said, it's already been a year but it's only been a year. I have lots more to go. But I'll "Keep the Faith." 

Thanks Daddy. I miss you and love you so. 

Addi's Mermaid/Pirate Birthday Bash

Addison's 5th Birthday Party was a success! We had a Mermaid/Pirate theme because she really wanted mermaids involved (see previous post about SC), but wanted to invite some boys too - so we didn't want to leave them out. 

Here's the link to the invitations we ordered on Etsy - click here

We held her party at a Splash Pad near our house. It was nice because there was not a lot to clean up and the kids were all exhausted after the party. I didn't have any games because I didn't think it would be easy to round up 20+ kids who were having fun playing in the water to interrupt them with something unnecessary. However, they did get interrupted with food and cupcakes, but I think they were okay with that. 

For food, I made Strawberry Rice Krispie treats in the shape of starfish - those were a huge hit and I should have made more as they were gone within the first 45 minutes of the party. I was going to do PB&J in the shape of fish, but I got too busy and just decided to buy Uncrustables. Easy and convenient. Also had the Meijer brand Starfish & Friends cheese crackers. Then had watermelon and blueberries mixed together. Juice boxes and water bottles were in the cooler. For the cake, we stuck with the mermaid theme and did Ariel because I didn't want to pay $100 for a specialized cake with pirates and mermaids. A lot of grocery stores (Target, Meijer) have the cupcake cakes which are perfect because no cutting is involved. We did have to buy extra cupcakes though since the cupcake cake only had 24 cupcakes. No biggie though.

Food Table

Cupcake Cake

Make a Wish Baby Girl

Splash Pad Fun

The Loot Bags consisted of Pirate's Booty snacks, Finding Nemo fruit snacks, gold coins, pirate stickers, tattoos, pencils and eye patch for the boys and mermaid pencils, notepads and lipgloss rings for the girls.

Loot Bags

Camden doesn't quite get the point of an eye patch

I Left My Heart in SC

We visited Charleston, SC one last time before my mom moved back to Indianapolis. It is so wonderful to have her back home, but we sure are going to miss going to SC to visit each year. I just love that place. 

We went to the beach several days in a row. I even got some alone time on the beach one day as Ike took the kids back to my mom's, so I could have some down time. It was nice just to relax and reflect on life and rejoice in all the blessings I have been given. 

One of the most fun parts of the vacation was watching the kids on the beach. I love seeing it through their eyes. Everything is so amazing and so exciting. Camden loved throwing the sand and getting really dirty - of course - he's all boy! I have two pictures of him running and he's floating on air! No feet touching the ground. Here's one below.

Look Ma, no feet!

Messy kid

Addison, on the other hand is in love with the ocean. I caught this picture of her just sitting and imagining what it would be like out there. She's just so in awe of the sea. After I took the picture, I asked her what she was thinking and she said, "I really want to be a mermaid." She promised me some day when she's grown up we will live together on the beach. She totally takes after her mother. If her father could stand the heat and humidity of the south, we'd already be down there. But he's from PA so he likes it a little cooler.

Addison also met a little boy at Isle of Palms, named Mason. He followed her everywhere one day. It was very cute. Later on in the week, she asked me what that boy's name was again? "The one that started with an M?"

Ariel Wannabe

Addison's Admirer

My mom and Camden - love this

One of my favorite things to do while at the beach is take the kids on mini photo sessions. I am by no means a good photographer, nor do I know any settings on my big daddy Canon camera, other than the extreme basics (we're talking Auto, Sports, Portrait setting - that's it). I don't get the aperture or white balance or any of that stuff. But I do feel that even someone like me can get pretty great pics on the beach. The background is great, the kids are happy and the lighting is usually nice. Here's some of my favorites.

At the Pier

His GQ pose

Daydreaming again

No one's looking at the camera, but it's still cute

Throwing sand

Got this one with Instagram but I love it

The rest are from our last night in Charleston. We went to Sullivan's Island to take these. It was such a peaceful beach. We were like, "Why didn't we come here all week? It's perfect!" We even saw several dolphins surface, including what appeared to be a baby. Then we saw the signs. The reason why it's so peaceful is because there are such strong currents and undertows that no swimming or wading is allowed. Well no wonder it's peaceful, no one wants to die, so no one goes there. But it was good for pictures at least. And we got to see the dolphins.

Mama and Papa

Mimi and the kiddos

Cool stuff with Instagram

Our little family

We LOVE South Carolina! If you ever go, please visit Charleston and Isle of Palms! Oh and Sullivan's Island has the best BBQ place, just don't go swimming at their beach. I'm going to miss our yearly trips, but I have no doubt we'll get back there before too long. I may start having withdrawals if not.

The Birthday Questions

I have decided that each year I am going to ask Addison and Camden some questions on their birthdays to see how their answers differ from year to year.Here are the questions and answers I received from Addison right before her 5th birthday. She turns 5 on May 16th. Where did my baby go?

How old are you going to be?                     
5

My 5 Year Old

What's the best thing about being a 5 year old?
I get to go to Kindergarten

Who do you love?                                     
My whole family and MaKena and Raegan and Mikia.

Who is your best friend?
Raegan

In 2008, Rae and Addi on their first birthday

In 2012, Rae and Addi on their 5th birthday

What do you like to do?                           
I like to pay and go outside and color and go to the mall and play Candyland and play with my little brother, Camden, and play with my Barbies and. . . there's a lot of things I like to do.

What is your favorite food?                        
Noodles

What food do you think is yucky?
Spinach (as she sticks out her tongue and scrunches her nose)

When you grow up what do you want to be and why?  
A cowgirl because I'd get to ride horses and I love horses.

How tall are you?                                      
4 feet. . . am I? (Not quite darling)

About 3.5 feet tall, not 4 like she thinks

What do you like to collect?                 
Seashells and rocks

Do you have a boyfriend?                         
Yes, Lincoln.

Why do you like Lincoln?                          
Because he's nice to me so that's why I decided he's my boyfriend. When he grows up he said I can marry him. He's a nice boy.

Addi ready for her wedding with Lincoln - complete with blonde wig

What is the best thing about pre-school?
Going outside and playing with my friends, of course.

What do you think Kindergarten will be like?   
I don't really know.

What do you like best about your little brother, Camden?
His smile

What do you think about having another baby in the house someday?
No because we would have to buy baby toys and baby diapers and diapers are really smelly and I don't want babies crying in the house.

What does Mommy do while you're at school?
You go to work and have fun with your friends and help sick kids.

What does Mommy always say to you?
"NO!"

What do you and Mommy like to do together?
Go shopping

How do you know your Mommy loves you?
Because when you give me hugs and kisses

What does Daddy do while you're at school?
Work? (shrugs her shoulders)

What does Daddy always say to you?
"NO!"

What do you and Daddy like to do together?
Go to the park

How do you know Daddy loves you?
Because he gives me hugs and kisses too

What are you good at?
Gymnastics and coloring

Mid cartwheel. Notice the tongue sticking out.

What's your favorite thing to do?
Going to a party (Ha, she's just like her mom)

What is your favorite movie?
Rapunzel

What is your favorite color?
Pink

What is your favorite song?
"If I Die Young" (I hate that this is her favorite song!! Good song, but not for your child to sing!)

Who is your favorite singer?
Katy Perry - that girl with the blue hair

What is your favorite book?
Tangled

What are three things you like about yourself?
My smile, my eyes 'cause they're brown like yours, and I'm smart.

I love that dimpled smile too

Yes you are baby, you are smart! I can't believe you are going to be 5. It's gone too fast. I remember sitting on the glider rocking you when you were a baby, looking out the window, and watching the neighborhood kids getting on the bus on the first day of school that year. I was just bawling thinking about how one day you'd be doing the same. I can't believe that day will be here this August. It's all happening so fast.

Where'd my baby go?

While you sat and told me about Lincoln, your boyfriend, I watched your smile and how your curls bounced and fell around your face. I momentarily transported into the future and pictured us having a similar conversation about the boy you'll fall in love with someday. I'm sure that day will come too soon too. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy my little girl. My precious 5 year old girl.

Addison, you are the sweetest little girl. You are so smart and eager to learn everything you can. You're so helpful and nurturing. Of course you still have your spunky side too. You're one of the most stubborn people I know. You tell it like it is, just like your great grandmother, whose nickname is "Spunk." You're a leader - I've seen you in action. You don't follow the crowd. One minute you're a prissy little princess dressed up in your princess dress and play heels with lipgloss, the next you're in the dirt outside hitting the softball off the tee like a superstar. I have no doubt you'll go far in life. You make your whole family proud. I'm proud of the smart, sweet, funny girl you're becoming, the way you stand up for what is right, and the way you still manage to keep your spunk on top of everything else. You're one of a kind and I love you to pieces. Happy 5th Birthday, my sweet Addison Claire!!!
                                                                                                    

Dearest Camden. . .

Camden's 2nd Birthday is on Wednesday, the 18th. I recently read a blog about writing love letters to your kids each year around their birthdays and found it to be such a good idea. Here is Camden's.

Dearest Camden,

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby! I can't believe you are already 2 years old. You are the sweetest little boy and I'm so happy that I'm your mommy. Let me tell you what I love about you and a little bit about how you are at this age.

You are all boy. You love dirt, bugs, building with blocks, cars, sharks, dinosaurs, and anything you can throw. You can throw well too! You've got a great arm and Daddy says you're either going to be a pitcher or a quarterback. Just a side note- Mommy would rather you play baseball due to all the head injuries with football - but we'll let you decide. And you can hit too! Check out this video!

All Boy

Future Baller

You have no fear and will dive off just about anything. We have to sit at the edge of the bounce house at Grammy's house since you like to run and jump out of it head first. You go down the slide head first and love to jump off things. You are fast and like to run. You're an active little guy and you don't enjoy sitting still for very long - unless it's to read a book about dinosaurs, sharks, or cars. Then you'll sit for a least a few minutes.

Being forced to sit still is torture!

You are a smart little guy. You know a lot of words and are able to figure things out quickly. Addison teaches you a lot and makes you repeat words she teaches you. It's the cutest thing seeing you too together. You adore Addison and I know she adores you - even though you're always taking her stuff. She takes good care of you and looks after you, but she's just as quick to tell on you if you do something you're not supposed to. You know how to do some of your sister's puzzles, with a little help. You like to solve problems and build things. You can build super tall towers with your Legos. Maybe you'll end up like your Aunt Gina & Uncle Rob and be an architect someday. You do have a bit of your Daddy's Irish temper and get frustrated when you can't figure something out though.

When I ask you what you want for breakfast, you'll smile with your adorable grin, complete with a dimple on your right cheek and your smiley eyes, (courtesy of Pa) then you'll look to the side like your thinking and say, "Uhhh. . . . choc-it." You want chocolate all the time. It's so hard to say no to your cute little face. But if I didn't, you'd have chocolate for every meal. Your daddy and I recently started giving you time outs for pinching, biting, stuff like that. But you're so funny because we'll try to warn you and say, "Camden, do you want a time-out?" And without hesitation or a look of concern you say, "Yeah!" It's so hard not to laugh. You're a little stinker.

Rotten

Love that grin!

Speaking of Pa, he used to watch you twice a week when you were an infant, but he passed away when you were a little over a year old. About two months ago, I showed you a picture that we keep high up on our baker's rack and pointed at the picture taken last May (a month before he died) of you, Addi, Mimi and Pa. I pointed to Pa last and asked you who he was. Right away you said, "Pa!" It was so sweet and made me so happy that you remembered him. Made me tear up. He sure loved you!

You are funny and do silly little things to make us laugh. You noticed how Addi poses with pictures and now you do it too. And your poses are so funny - you'll hold a leg up or lean to the side or cross your arms in front of you - it makes me smile just thinking about it.

Posing like Addi

Always got one leg up

B-boy Style

You are outgoing and wave to everyone at the store. You are smart, as mentioned above. You are daring, mischievous, and fearless. You know what you want and you go for it. Right now what you want are other kids' toys. In fact, you've already gotten written up at school for a fight over a toy that turned nasty. It was a one-time thing and I know it won't happen again, right? You are a charmer and know just when to give Mommy hugs and kisses. We've also been told by the daycare ladies that you like to give the little girls in your class kisses too. You are a flirt and love to look at girls, particularly their backsides. Quite the ladies' man already.

Checking out Victoria's Secret.

 You are kind and loving. You are a good boy with a wild streak. And every boy needs one of those.

Thank you Lord for this precious gift. I pray that you will continue to keep him safe, healthy, and happy!

Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy! I love you with all my heart and soul.

All my love,
Mommy

A little more about your 2nd year of life:
Wake up @ 7:00
Nap from 12 - 2 p.m.
Bedtime 7:30 or 8:00
Favorite Foods: cheese, yogurt, applesauce, spaghetti, bread, ice cream, PB&J, bananas
Favorite Drink: apple juice
Favorite Things: blankie & binky
Bad Habit: pinching
Weight:
Height:

I Have Failed as a Mother

A funny thing that's been happening in our house is that Addison got a camera for Christmas from her Grammy and Pappy. She loves taking pictures of everything, from the TV to the cat to her brother. The other day I got her out of the bathtub and told her to put her undies and robe on while I cleaned the tub out. The next thing I know I hear the camera clicking, and I say, "Addi, did you get your clothes on already?" She says, "No, I'm just taking some naked pictures of myself." I holler, "Addison, we do NOT take naked pictures - you understand?!?!" I never thought I'd be saying these words to my child. But then, I guess I'd rather be telling her now than when she's 15 or something. And yes, I explained to her that no one should be taking pictures of her and went over all that stuff - don't worry - it ended up being a great teaching moment. Below are some of the pics Addi's taken. Luckily only the G-rated ones turned out.

Cam with a squirrel

Lalaloopsy doll

Confused Camden

Her favorite boots

Sophie, the cat

Addi's Daddy

On Wednesday, I took Addison and Camden to the park to have a picnic playdate with Addi's friends and their moms from cheerleading. It was a beautiful, sunny day and we had a great time. For a while, Addison picked about 50 dandelions and gave me the big bouquet. The kids had lunch and cake pops and then started to play again. Now the other two little girls we met were having fun playing Princess on the playset. My daughter, however, had a different idea. She asked me to help her slide down the pole. So I helped her, and then she wanted to do it over and over again. I tried to deter her and encourage her to go play with the other girls. It didn't work. Then she did it by herself and was shouting, "I did it Mommy! I did it! I went down the pole all by myself." I told her, "Great, honey!" though I didn't want to. I pointed it out to the other two moms that while their daughters placed Princess, mine was sliding down the pole. Great. As those of you who read my blog know, Addison already loves wigs, shoes, and sparkly things. Now she has also learned about the pole - which she talked about the whole way home from the park. Where did I go wrong?

Then, yesterday after work I got home and started changing from my work clothes. Addi comes in and I asked her about her day and if she got to play outside at daycare. She told me that she did and she decided that Lincoln is her boyfriend. I didn't think I heard her right so I asked her to repeat herself, which she did and said exactly what I thought she said. She said that her friend Makenna also wants Lincoln to be her boyfriend. Love triangles apparently start at the age of 4 now. Addi said she told Lincoln she wants to marry him because she wants to kiss him.

This week's chain of events has me worried. I have failed as a mother. I may have to send her to the convent at age 5.